So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
