Tell her she can't have a vagina
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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