had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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