I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
