we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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