So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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