dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
