Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
