Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
