I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
