Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
