These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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