I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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