would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
