are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
