I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
