I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
