so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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