How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
