I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
