I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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