You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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