guys are only as good as the porn they watch
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
