but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
