I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
