Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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