I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
