nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
