It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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