I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
