I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
