did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
