if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My ATM looks so different sober.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
