from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
