in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
