apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
