You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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