How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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