Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
