Apparently you make a good broom.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
