Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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