So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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