You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
