The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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