I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
