oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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