I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
