and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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