he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
