we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
