I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
