wanna go halves on a baby?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
