I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Found the puke drawer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
