I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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