"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
